My Higher Power is John Stamos
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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