I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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