A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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