According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
