flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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