How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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