i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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