weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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