I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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