i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
