I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
