Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
