WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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