She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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