i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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