just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
