Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
