All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
