Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
