I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
