So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
FUCK WHALES
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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