Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
