I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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