It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
