Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
