My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
