I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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