I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
