No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
