Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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