I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
