my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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