I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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