Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
