He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
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