I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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