My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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