i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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