I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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