Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
