You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
