Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
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