I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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