do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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