Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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