Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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