I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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