Will you blow on my dice?
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
