my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
