I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
