i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
