You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
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Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
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also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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