i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
