toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
