I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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